Calling All Exhausted Mothers!

Over in motherhood land we occasionally get a little wiped out. A little bleary-eyed. A few sags here, bags there. A little stalled in the love department. Well, if you've stopped your busy day to read this, take heart. I've got some simple solutions to ALL your mommy problems!

Let's see....the first must-have for ALL new mothers is:

1. Lizard Wine. Believe it or not, most new (and sometimes not-so-new babies) wake up during the night. They need to be fed, diapered, coddled, cuddled, whatever. They always need us at 3am. Their needs simply cannot wait until 6. So, to improve your vision for those midnight escapades try this. Lizard wine.


2. Next on my must-have list is scorpion wash. It will help to reduce pain in your achy arms and shoulders, and will invigorate your tired body.
3. After showering with that stuff, you can move on to your morning brew: weasel coffee. This coffee is first eaten by weasels, then regurgitated and gathered to be cleaned and roasted. It has a chocolaty flavor, for all you chocoholics.
4. Lastly, what sort of person would I be if I didn't suggest a little somethin' something' for sprucing up the love life! Aphrodisiac pearl lollipops have been used in China and Japan since ancient times. A small caveat - if you have allergies to shellfish this pop might not be for you.
All of these great mother-items can be purchased here.

Have a great rest of your day!

Fighting Frumpies One Fly-Away At A Time

I find that just being able to shower and comb my hair each day is a huge accomplishment.

Never mind makeup.

Never mind having curled hair; styled hair. Just having it clean each day is a ginormous WOW. I have to wake up at the crack of dawn, though, just to check that off my to-do list. But it's worth it. Now that W has been sleeping almooooost through the night I've been able to get more continuous sleep, waking up earlier isn't such a drag anymore.

I decided that my scraggly, split-end hair needed a trim. I called my "hair lady" and scheduled an appointment. The last time I got my hair cut was when W was still in the clueless, la-la land phase, and everything was hunky-dory when it came to being with other people other than me, The Mamma. I tried to get a friend to watch him, but she was busy. Bummer. Oh well, I thought...I'll just take him with me.

Never. Again. What was I THINKING!?! That's right, I forgot...since being in whacko land I have a hard time thinking straight. I wasn't thinking. I put all common sense in the diaper champ and pitched it into the garbage can.

I pulled up to the salon with my son babbling happily away in the backseat. It seemed like everything was going to be great. My plan was to wheel him in in his umbrella stroller and have him "read" one of his books while I got all primped up.

What a joke! The moment we walked in he started shrieking. Literally shrieking. There are no words for the intense, ear-piercing vocalizations he was making. My stylist had to take the cape off me so I could pick him up from his stroller to comfort him.

But quiet and calm were not on his agenda at the moment. He continued to shriek and scream. After what seemed like a long time, he finally calmed down a bit. Only enough for me to convince the stylist to cut my hair as quickly as she could, before the diatribe continued.

And continue it did. For almost the whole time. Eventually another stylist finished her client's hair cut and she thankfully rescued my son. And saved the rest of the salon from going nutso.

I tipped my stylist generously, and left.

I'm sure all the childless women in there made mental notes to themselves to check the status of their birth control pills!

Tooth Issues...At 11 Months

We bought our son a toothbrush (sniff!) tonight. He's got 4 teeth, so I thought a cute little toothbrush was probably in order. (Plus I'd get to get out his cute toothbrush holder that's been under the sink for over a year!)

I've been concerned about his teeth. The tops of his teeth look stained light brown. Does anyone have any ideas of what this is? I usually wipe his teeth with a damp cloth, so it's not like I've been neglecting them...they just look like they're decaying or something.

I called my dentist to get his opinion on the situation, and wouldn't you know it, his entire office is on vacation. I'll put another call in to them next week.

The initial tooth brushing episode didn't go as well as I had planned. I had to literally pin him down on the floor in order to get a few swipes in with the toothbrush. He was all gung-ho with his new toothbrush when we were in Target, picking one out...but once we got home...yeah...not so much fun, that new toothbrush.

I'm hoping in the upcoming week I'll be able to model tooth brushing for him, so maybe he'll like it better. I sure hope so, because the staining on his teeth is worrying me.

Will The Worries EVER Cease?

I recently had a colloquy with a friend who invoked the question as to how mothers actually enjoy going on a vacation with their brood. It doesn't actually have to be a vacation. It can be anything. A picnic. An afternoon at the pool. The beach. Name it.

Due to incessant worrying about nap times, feedings, fussiness, etc. it's hard to enjoy a vacation/outing and just relax. I join her in her quest for truth: When can one (and by "one" I mean Mother) just sit back, relax, unwind...without the constant pressures of motherhood?

I have a feeling the answer is never.

We're doomed.

As soon as we pass the stage of 24/7 nursings, we move on to the crawling phase. The never-ending phase of wondering "what did he get into now?" "where did he go?" "why won't he stop that annoying banging?" "I wish he wouldn't destroy ALL my nice things"....the list goes on and on.

Then enter the toddling phase. We're not quite up to this one yet, so I can't get all philosophical on you, but watching my friends deal with this joyful phase is making me want to ball up my young 'un and shove him back up me.

Ok. Not really. I like him out.

I don't think mothers ever really get a break until their hoydens leave the nest.

Then again....probably not! I find myself constantly calling my mom. (Sorry Mom!)

At least she doesn't have to worry about me crawling over to the fan and sticking my fingers in it!

Whackos, We Post Preggos Are! (I mean, I am!)

I don't want to make generalizations by saying "we post preggos", grouping everyone in the same jacuzzi as me, but I'd like to think that I'm not as strange as I purport to be.

I recently had a conversation with my mom about the fact that my hair is falling out, it seems, like in ropes. Seriously. Huge wads of my dishwater-colored hair, slipping out from it's rightful place. It's downright disturbing.

I can't even take a shower without leaving a little assemblage of fibrous proteins stashed on the shower's edge. (I used to let it fall down the drain, but...yeah...not such a good idea.)

My mother reassured me that it was out of whack hormones, leftover from pregnancy, that was causing the upheaval on my head.

Lovely.

I have an ELEVEN MONTH OLD SON (of whom I could wax lyrical all day, if given the time and space) but to think that his former presence in my body (did I mention it was ELEVEN MONTHS AGO!?!) is still reeking havoc on me is somewhat freaky. (But havoc only in the hair department, no where else!)

Yup...we get to carry our progeny for nine months, and for a year afterward still have to deal with whacked-out hormones.

And then...we get to do it all over again! No wonder we're (and if you don't fall into this category of primiparous or maltiporous women, I'm sorry for grouping you in it!) all screwed up during the majority of our prime.



And to think...I saw a newborn recently and instantly I wanted another one!

Too Much Crack Action For Me!

Is is just me, or has anyone else noticed? The "uniforms" at the Olympics, I mean. Seriously, folks...there's alota crack action going on if you ask me.

What is this? Even the President is appalled.

He's not even sure where to put his hands for the photo op!

I happened to catch a men's volleyball game, and their uniforms cover their tushies. Shorts, tanks. I'm good with that. But why are the women having to constantly pick their panties, um, I mean "uniforms", out of of their rear ends? (Sorry, the white ones, with their sheerness, look like some of my unmentionables!)

Maybe undie uniforms help ratings.

Maybe the gals like picking sand and Lycra from their cracks.

Maybe I'm just getting old. And too conservative for beach volleyball.

Comfort Food

I really don't like to cook.

There are so many better things to be doing each day than thinking about what the next meal is going to be. My husband recently pointed out to me that he'd like variety in his meals. Kay. (I'm usually a one-dish deal. Hey, I've got a baby-on-the-verge-of-toddlerhood under my toes all day!

The need to power search for new foods is on! I recently stole came across this recipe on the internet, Chicken Spaghetti, and thought I'd share it with you. It truly is delish!

• 2 cups cooked chicken
• 2 cans cream of mushroom soup
• 2 cups grated sharp cheddar cheese
• 1/4 cup finely diced green pepper
• 1/2 cup finely diced onion
• 1 - 4oz. jar diced pimentos, drained
• 3 cups dry spaghetti, broken into 2 inch pieces
• 2 cups reserved chicken broth from pot
• 1 teaspoon Lawry's salt
• 1/8 teaspoon Cayenne pepper
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1 additional cup grated sharp cheddar cheese

Cook 1 fryer and pick out the meat to make 2 cups. Cook spaghetti in same chicken broth until al dente. Don't overcook. When spaghetti is cooked, combine with remaining ingredients, except additional 1 cup cheddar. (Yes, add 2 cups reserved chicken broth to the mixture!)

Place mixture in casserole pan and top with remaining cheese. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes until bubbly.

This also freezes well, for up to 6 months. If anyone actually tries this give a shout out and let me know how it was.

If anyone has any yummy recipes they'd like to share with me I'd love to have them!

(I'm feeling a little guilty in just posting someone else's recipe....thepioneerwoman.com is the real hero!)